


Aphrodisiac

by Asshatry



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Negan (Walking Dead) Swears, Negan (Walking Dead) is an automatic warning, Negan Being Negan (Walking Dead), Negan Fluff, Negan Smut, Negan Smut Week, Negan Thirst Squad, Negan Wives, Negan x Female Reader, Negan x Reader - Freeform, Negan's potty mouth, Romance, Romance and Drama, Romantic Negan, Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 09:54:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10435140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asshatry/pseuds/Asshatry
Summary: Negan wants to make her his next wife. She’s always turned him down, but now it’s Valentine’s Day and that man can be persistent….





	1. A Proposal

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fic I wrote. I chose the Valentine’s Day prompt from flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash’s 2k Writing Challenge on tumblr. Now I'm posting it here on AO3! There's smut in Part 2. :)

I woke up that morning already in a bad mood. Maybe I had slept funny or was tossing and turning again. I wasn’t really sure. I kicked my legs over the edge of the bed and stretched, hoping the movement of my muscles would cause an overall feeling of relaxation. It did, but the feeling subsided way too quickly and I cursed softly under my breath. It was going to be a long day.

Then I remembered what day it was. Valentine’s Day.

The dreaded, lovey-dovey holiday for all the romantic couples looking to rub it in everyone’s faces that their love is pure and strong. Bleh.

Somehow there was a silver lining to the dead coming back to life because the heart shaped candies and roses were a thing of the past. Now, holidays were a little more toned down, and I kind of preferred that.

I had been living at The Sanctuary for only a few weeks and before that, I hadn’t even known what day it was. Little things like that didn’t matter when it came to survival. But here, in this world…in his world, I could embrace those little things again. The date. The time. Being safe was a luxury that allowed attention to detail.

But there was a reason I was dreading today, and his name was Negan.

I got up and grabbed a little bag on my nightstand with my toiletries in it and headed out of my room, making my way to the shared women’s bathroom down the hall.

God, he had been so persistent. The man had actually had the gall to ask me to marry him on day one. And if that wasn’t enough, he had a room overflowing with beautiful women whom he all called his “wives”. A collection of dolls, and I was his next prize. _Or so he thought._

I reached the community bathroom and found myself in front of a mirror. I felt like a zombie, walking through this routine every single day like I was on autopilot. It felt reminiscent of the time before the walkers, when I had a job and went through the same patterns. The difference now was danger was around every corner and I always had to be on my guard.

Of course I had turned him down. He was ruggedly handsome and I had to admit, those wife perks were tempting…but I had always prided myself on being independent. I planned on keeping it that way and Negan had said he was fine with that, but _oh boy_ did he not give up easily. He would call me up to his office and ask meaningless questions. He brought me along on his supply runs and ordered me to ride with him. He would pat my shoulder after a successful mission and his hand would linger there just a little too long, only to pull it away like it never happened. I often caught his eyes gazing at my body when he thought I wasn’t looking. That damned man had no shame; he would just grin and wink.

I brushed my teeth in a tired haze and was thankful that I had the bathroom to myself. I got up earlier than most people because I liked being able to get ready in silence. I brushed my hair quickly, applied deodorant, and stared at my reflection.

I was frustrated that Negan had distracted me again. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about him. His leadership was a bit on the wild side, but the way he demanded respect was impressive. He was beautiful in a dangerous, seductive way.  And his wives were with him of their own free will. Clearly he knew how to treat a woman. But I just wasn’t willing to give up my independence, even if the man lusting after me was ruggedly handsome.

I washed my face and headed back to my room, thoughts still on our leader when I saw Simon leaning up against my door, waiting for me. I was surprised to see him up so early and noted the bags under his eyes before I even reached him.

“Took you long enough,” he grumbled, but smiled to show he was joking. I scoffed at him.

“I was away for like five minutes. Give me a freakin’ break.”

Simon didn’t move from the door and continued leaning against it, eyes taking me in and he didn’t say anything. His expression was hard to read.

Finally he spoke. “There’s a meeting at noon. Negan wants you there.”

“Okay,” I simply responded.

Simon stood up straight and stepped to the side, allowing me access to my room. I went to walk past him when I heard his voice.

“Don’t be late.” He sounded so serious that it made me hesitate. He wasn’t one to be so grave.

“When the hell have I ever been late?!” I demanded.

“You’ve been pushing it lately. Leave a little earlier and give yourself some wiggle room. If you’re late, he’s going to be pissed.”

“He’ll live,” I said rolling my eyes. Simon examined me, still that serious look on his face.

“You might not,” Simon said chuckling, but still his grim expression said what we were both thinking: Negan’s temper was unpredictable and he might actually off someone just for being tardy. With that, he turned and headed down the hallway without another word.

I sighed and collected myself before going back into my room. Things had been so much easier back when I had been on my own with no one to answer to. If Negan said jump we would all hop up and down.

I was still in my nightwear, a thin black tank top and green shorts. I quickly undressed and pulled on some jeans and my favorite bra. The heat had been almost unbearable lately, so I opted to keep my black tank top on. After lacing up my combat boots, I examined my bedroom and thought about what I would be doing that day.

Usually my job was scavenging, and I’d set out every day in one of the cars to try and bring back supplies. I was good at it–I’d even left Negan pretty impressed a few times with some of the special items I’d brought back.

I thought back to the time I’d found a semi-truck with the trailer full of bottled water. It had taken four round trips just to bring all of the cases back, but when Negan saw the water he’d been so shocked that I had wished I could have taken a picture of his face. It was only for a single instance before he regained his composure but I had seen his surprised face, and then he had turned to me and looked so _proud_.

But Simon said there was going to be a meeting, which meant there was a good chance I wasn’t scavenging today and had no duties. Simon hadn’t given me any orders and I wasn’t about to go ask for something to do. I knew Negan would either get pissed or suggest something vulgar.

I was scanning the room when I saw the little desk by my bed and remembered the book I had just bought with my points. It was some teenage fantasy novel I had spotted in the tiny selection of books available in the store and I hated to admit it, but it looked really interesting. I had told myself I’d read it on car rides during long scavenging sessions but right now the urge to just lounge around and soak up the pages was very strong.

 _Fuck it,_ I thought, _Could use some time off._ I  grabbed the book and left my room, heading towards the recreation room.

If Negan wanted me before the meeting, he’d find me.

* * *

I was curled up on an old couch in the rec room and completely lost in my book. The story was just reaching its climax and I had promised myself two chapters ago that I was going to put down the novel and start making my way to the meeting room.

It had been so long since I had allowed myself to relax. Even living in The Sanctuary, as safe as things were, I hadn’t been able to just kick back and let my guard down. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been paying close attention to the clock on the wall and I was still very much lost in the book when someone cleared their throat from behind the couch. I jumped up quickly, causing the book to fall to the floor. I spun around with wide eyes to see Negan standing right behind the couch, Lucille draped over his shoulder. The look on his face was one of pure irritation.

_Shit…_

I swallowed hard and glanced over to the clock on the wall. 12:10 pm. I was supposed to be at that meeting 10 minutes ago. Simon’s warning had seemed so silly earlier and like some sick, self-fulfilling prophecy, I had done exactly what he had predicted.

I turned back to Negan, silently wishing he would just evaporate and the hands on the clock would rewind and give me a second chance. It didn’t come. Instincts kicking in, I dropped down on a knee before him with my head down, as we had been trained to do in his presence.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” His tone wasn’t entirely serious and almost sounded lighthearted. I looked up at him, desperately trying to read his face to see if I was actually in trouble or not, but I couldn’t tell. I tried to find my voice but he spoke before I had the chance.

“You fucking think you can just blow me off so you can lounge around and read all fucking day?” He raised his eyebrows at me, his face solemn.

“No,” I tried my best to sound brave. “I’m really sorry, sir. I lost track of time. It won’t happen again.”

Negan stared me down for what felt like an eternity before letting out a booming laugh. It caught me off guard and I remained frozen in place on the ground while he roared. He stood there laughing for a few more moments before he gestured at me with Lucille.

“Hot damn, I wish you could see the look on your fucking face! I scared the _SHIT_ outta you, didn’t I?” he continued to chuckle as if this was some kind of hilarious joke. “You can stand up now.”

I felt my cheeks flush red, but my eyes narrowed and anger took over as I stood back up.

“Fuck you, Negan,” I grumbled, leaning down to pick up my book. My words stopped his laughing fit and he set Lucille on the ground, leaning his weight onto the barbed-wire bat.

“Are you offering, doll? Would make for one hell of a Valentine’s Day.” His grin grew wider.

 _Of course he knew what day it was._ I rolled my eyes at his playful remark.

“Cause if we’re not fucking, I highly suggest you get that perfect little ass in gear before I do get pissed off. My men are waiting on us.” His demeanor became serious and he shifted his weight back to his feet and headed to the door, but he didn’t leave.

I set the book onto the couch, knowing no one would steal it. I followed after him quickly, so thankful he was in a good mood. He was still lingering in the doorway waiting for me.

“Ladies first,” he said, gesturing to the door.  As we headed out of the rec room, I could feel his presence close behind. He was whistling as I led the way. Negan was in a playful mood, and my thoughts went back to the current holiday.

 _Maybe he really loved Valentine’s Day? Probably meant he got to fuck all his wives._ I assumed he’d already gotten laid that morning and this jolly attitude was the result.

Negan’s voice distracted me from my thoughts.

“Must have been some real dirty shit for you to lose track of the fucking time. What kind of book were you reading, doll?”

I let out a sigh and chided, “It wasn’t a dirty book.”

“That’s a damn shame. The idea of you reading some kinky shit in my rec room has me half hard right now.” We were now nearing his meeting room.

“You’re always half hard,” I shot back, glancing over my shoulder at him. He was still grinning from ear-to-ear. His eyes met mine and I looked away to see the door we were both headed towards. When I approached it and went to open it, Negan’s arm came into my line of vision. He laid his hand against the door, stopping me from turning the knob.

“Only cause you’re here.” His voice was low and it made me turn again to face him. He was staring down at me, his expression hardened and he was closing the distance between us. He leaned in close and I pressed my body against the door, trapped by him.

“But let me make myself very fucking clear, little girl. Next time I say there’s a meeting at noon, you had better be there at noon.”

I swallowed and nodded slowly, eyes locked to his. He took another step forward, and he was so close I thought he would hear my pounding heartbeat. His body hovered right above mine and I felt frozen in place. He tilted his head next to my ear.

“Of course, if you were my wife you could lounge around all day and read your little books,” he taunted.

_Son of a bitch…_

He didn’t wait for my rebuttal and he reached for the doorknob. I moved my hand quickly away and turned to face the room, just as he opened the door. Inside there were three black couches pushed against the walls and a big wooden table in the center of the room. Folding chairs were lined up around it, and all but two of them were occupied by Negan’s men. A few of them sat on the couches against the wall–all of them were staring at me as we entered.

I didn’t realize it right away, but the only two chairs left were seated next to one another. I let out a sigh and headed over to the open chair next to the one at the head of the table, the chair I knew was Negan’s. I sat down without making eye contact with all of the prying eyes laid upon me. Negan made his way over to the front of the table, but didn’t sit down right away–he just stood there, staring at his men.

I knew Simon was directly across the table from me and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I felt like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I wondered what they all thought about this. Negan usually wouldn’t go out of his way to fetch me; he’d usually send one of his men. Why had he bothered?

His voice broke my train of thought as he addressed the room.

“Anyone else want to fucking defy me today?” he said, turning to peer down at me. I stared at the table and felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I wondered if Simon was amused that he had been right about my tardiness.

When no one responded and the silence grew thick, I glanced up to see all eyes were still on me. Their silent judgements made me want to get up and flee, but I remained planted in the chair. I finally turned to view Negan, only to see that same amused expression etched onto his face.

_He’s enjoying this._

I held his gaze and tried my best to appear confident. Losing track of time was an accident–he may be a stickler for the rules but it’s not like I blew him off on purpose. This little show he was conducting was supposed to make me feel guilty, but instead I felt anger manifesting the longer his little game went on. Negan might have been in charge and a very intimidating man, but I wasn’t about to let him bully me like this.

“No, sir,” I responded to him, shocked to hear the defiance in my own voice.

Negan’s goading expression switched instantly to a stern one. His gaze lingered a few more moments on me, and I really wished I could read his mind. Then he finally turned away and sat down to face the rest of his men, who were still silently watching the show. Negan was dropping it and I tried my best to hide my smugness.

“What do you got for me, boys?” He kicked his feet up onto the table, his black boots crossing against the polished wood right in front of my face. I sat back a bit more to give myself more room. I didn’t think he was doing it to get on my nerves; Negan usually kicked back and made himself comfortable wherever he liked. It was his Sanctuary after all.

“There’s a new settlement to the east of us that’s been giving us trouble,” Simon said matter-of-factly. “We did what you said, but they shot at us last time we tried to visit.”

“They’ll be out of ammo eventually,” One of Negan’s men piped in–Greg. I often travelled with his scavenging group. “We took most of it on our last trip but they must have found more or held out on us.”

“That shit ain’t gonna fly,” Negan said, shaking his head. I could see he was getting irritated, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of me or that his men hadn’t delivered good news considering Negan was definitely the type of guy to shoot the messenger. “Tomorrow we’ll head over there and fuckin’ teach those sorry sacks not to mess with The Saviors.”

His men nodded in agreement. Then I realized this meeting wasn’t meant for just scavengers–it was for his little terror squads, too. His groups of men who went out and harassed the holy hell out of other survivors. I knew he meant it when he said he was going to punish those people. I didn’t like violence, but these men–his “Saviors”–were now my family. In this new world, it was kill or be killed. I knew it had to be done.

Negan turned to me now. “And what about my scavenging team? What have you found for me lately? Other than a few dirty books….” He smiled like a snake and I elected to ignore his jeer.

“There’s a small town we’re still ransacking. We found some weapons, little bit of food, and some stuff for the store.” I looked him right in the eye as I answered him.

“There was a little boutique that was almost completely untouched,” Greg added. “Had tons of jewelry and clothes.”

“Speaking of which, what did you bastards get your ladies for Valentine’s Day?”

_Here we go…._

“Greggy, I bet you got something real fucking nice for that smoking hot wife of yours.” He kicked his legs off the desk and leaned forward. Greg nodded, smiling slightly.

“Yes, sir. I got her some earrings she’s had her eyes on for a while.” He sounded proud of himself.

“Fuck yeah! Jewelry?! That’s the best way to get a lady to open her legs for you! Not that you have that problem with her, huh, Greg?”

“No, sir,” Greg answered.

“What about you, Simon? Got any new lady friends?” Negan turned to his right-hand man.

_This is ridiculous…_

Before Simon could open his mouth, I let out a sigh that ended up being just a little bit louder than expected. Negan turned, squinting his eyes at me again.

“What’s your fucking problem?!”

“Nothing.” I looked down, not wanting to get into it with him again. But he wasn’t ready to let this go.

“No, it’s not fucking ‘ _nothing_.’ I heard that little huff. What’s got your fucking panties in a bunch?”

I didn’t say anything, hoping my choice of silence would amuse him enough. It was the exact opposite of what he wanted.

“I asked you a question, doll. Or is your head still lost in that dirty little story of yours?”

That did it–that stupid little jab was enough to send me over the edge. I was sick of taking his shit. My rage was consuming me and before I could think it through, I scooted the chair back and challenged him.

“I thought we were having a real meeting here, not bragging about banging our women and talking about this stupid ass holiday.”

“Someone’s pissy,” Negan snickered. “Not in the Valentine’s Day spirit?” He was coaxing me into continuing my rant, and it was working. I was too far gone to care.

“What’s the point?!” I almost shouted it. “This stupid holiday is so pointless! There are no chocolates and flowers anymore–there’s the dead and the living. We have bigger matters to talk about than sitting here gossiping like school girls.”

I could have cut the silence with a knife. Everyone was frozen, not sure how to react to my sudden outburst. Even Negan was quiet at first. But if he was stunned by my rant, he wasn’t about to show it–he appeared more amused than anything.

“You know what I think…” He finally spoke, his voice like ice,  “I think you’re jealous.”

“Of what?!” My voice jumped an octave and any fear I had of him was drowned out by my irritation. “Of that little harem you have?”

Negan didn’t let my comment bother him. Instead, he continued. “I offered you to be my wife and you said no. It’s not my fault you’re lonely.”

“I’m not lonely!” I shouted. The way he was addressing me, being so calm and serious, added fuel to the fire. This game was his–he was in complete control and I knew it. But I wasn’t about to sit back down and let him have this. _Hell no._

“Just because I’m not sitting on a dick doesn’t mean I’m fucking lonely!”

The room may have been filled with his men, but in that moment it felt like it was just the two of us. I didn’t care if they saw me freak out,I just wanted him to get it through his thick skull that I was _NOT_ lonely.

“It’s probably the lack of dick that’s got you so uptight.” Negan leaned back in his chair, taking me in with delight in his eyes. He knew just the right things to say to continue to push this. He knew he had won but wasn’t done yet. “Maybe if you got laid you wouldn’t be so fucking angry about a holiday, doll.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I clenched my fists and glared at him. He took the opportunity to jab again.

“Besides, it’s not like anyone loves you on any other fucking day of the year..”

My breath hitched in my throat.

He waited for me to make my next remark, but I felt that initial rush of adrenaline fueled anger start to die down and tears start to form in my eyes. Like hell I was going to cry in front of him and his men.

I stood up from my chair and went to turn away, but for a solid instant I saw Negan’s taunting expression turn into one of concern. He had seen the water forming in my eyes. Now the game was truly over.

He didn’t say anything and the deafening silence was torturous. I didn’t stand around to let it settle; instead, I hurried out of the meeting room and down the hall just as the tears started to fall. I didn’t care that I was walking out of his meeting, I just needed to get the hell out of there.

I really didn’t know where that pent up anger had come from. Maybe Negan was right. Not about the lack of sex, but that I was lonesome. I didn’t have any friends at the Sanctuary and I’d lost all of my loved ones to the apocalypse.

His words had cut because _they were the truth_. I didn’t just dread Valentine’s Day; every holiday, every little reminder of the time from before was painful. These were days we celebrated with loved ones and mine were dead.

I made it back to my bedroom and shut the door in a haste. Once inside, I slid my back against the closed door and when I reached the floor, I pulled my knees to my chest, curling up tight and allowed myself to cry.

_He’s right. I am alone._

* * *

Hours later I woke up to a loud knock on my door. Earlier I had gotten off the floor after I let myself have a good cry, then had curled up in bed under the covers. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sleeping, but the sudden noise had me jolting upright.

“Yeah?” I croaked, sitting up further and swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. I didn’t get a response, so I headed over to the door and opened it to find Negan standing in front of me, Lucille draped over his shoulder. He was looking down at me with that concerned expression I had only seen a glimpse of before.

“Hi,” he spoke softly, as if his words could shatter me.  “Are you okay?”

I turned away, ashamed. I couldn’t stand to keep the eye contact anymore. I had made a fool of myself back there and I felt blood rush to my face as embarrassment hit.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I mumbled, staring at the floor. “I’m sorry I left the meeting.”

He didn’t say anything which made me feel like I had to look at him. When I did, I could see he was as uncomfortable as I was. Negan and I had always bullshitted back and forth. I had never snapped like today. This was new territory for us.

He shifted his weight and pushed back his dark hair. “I have a few more things I want to go over with you, if that’s alright.” His entire demeanor was so unlike his usual self. Instead of commanding me, he was asking.

I nodded and he gestured to the hallway, then waited for me to come out of my room. I wanted so badly to jump back into bed and hide away under the covers, but my feet moved forward and I left my little safe haven.

We walked in silence side by side down the hallway; I realized we were headed back to the meeting room. I thought back to my episode from before, when all of his men had watched me explode at Negan. What had they thought of it? Surely Negan had laughed it off. He had probably told them he was going to punish me later for stomping out of the meeting.

_Oh god…he’s gonna punish me._

That thought alone should have been enough to stop me dead in my tracks, and yet I kept moving forward with him. My mind raced and I started to feel dizzy.

I hadn’t even thought about that. Negan didn’t like hurting women and that’s why he was acting so weird. He was going to have to make an example of me in front of his men to assert his dominance.

I started shaking and tried my best to control it.  We reached the door and I thought I was going to faint. Would he bash my head in with Lucille, or burn my face with the dreaded iron? Or did he have something else sinister in mind?

Negan wasn’t looking at my petrified face as he opened the door and waited for me to go in. I entered the room and couldn’t help but gasp.

The meeting room was now completely clad in Valentine’s Day decorations. Paper hearts strung together were hanging from the ceiling along with gold and white string lights.  A red tablecloth was neatly draped over the wood table and rose petals had been sprinkled over it randomly. Different sized candles were set around the room with their little flickering lights beaming brightly. Towards the front of the table, in front of the spot where we had both sat earlier was a metal pot, steam coming up from it. Two china plates sat in front of his chair and the chair I had occupied from before. Silverware was laid neatly and two glasses sat upside down next to a bottle of red wine.

I was still gawking at the scene before me just as the scent of pasta hit me. I stifled a moan, my stomach growling in harmony. I wanted so badly to go see what was inside the pot, but instead I turned to Negan.

“What is this?” The question seemed more rude than I had meant for it to. I knew exactly what this was but I didn’t understand why. What the hell was he doing?

“An apology,” he said, gently setting Lucille down against the door and moving past me towards the table. “The spaghetti is gonna get cold. Come sit down.”

He didn’t wait for me and headed over to the front of the table, pulling both my chair and his out. He sat down and picked up the pasta spoon, serving us both. I watched from over by the door, still frozen in place as the noodles hit the plate. All it took was the sight of pasta and I felt my body move before I even willed it to. I practically floated over to the table.

I sat down next to him and watched as he picked up a fork, expertly twirling the pasta around before taking a bite. He leaned back and closed his eyes while chewing. He swallowed and grinned.

“That is some really good shit!” He declared.

I stared at my plate, paralyzed in my seat. I had no idea what was happening. Who made the spaghetti? Who decorated the room? Certainly not him. No way Negan did all this on his own.

He took another bite and watched me with peering eyes. I gulped and tried to speak.

“Negan, I–”

“Holy hell, woman, would you just try the damn spaghetti?” His words weren’t demanding, more pleading. He took another bite of his and savored it.

I picked up my fork and did as I was told. The moment the sauce hit my tongue I felt my stomach growl loud–loud enough that I knew Negan could hear.

“I knew you’d be hungry,” he said, leaning back in his chair and watching me intently as I chewed. He was right, it was really good spaghetti.

I felt like I couldn’t look at him, so I stared at my plate as we both ate in silence for a while. At first it was awkward and almost unbearable, but as time went on it actually felt kind of comforting. It would have been really nice if Negan hadn’t continued to watch me the entire time.

Halfway through the meal, Negan reached across for the already opened bottle of wine and took off the loose cork. He flipped both our glasses over and poured.

“I don’t think you hate Valentine’s Day.” His voice almost made me jump when he broke the silence. I finally willed myself to meet his gaze. He was studying me with soft eyes. It wasn’t like him at all–he was so concerned and serious, but not the threatening leader I had come to know. This man seemed to genuinely care about my well being.

“I think you’re lonely. And you don’t have to be.”

I watched him set the wine glass down in front of my plate and before I could react his hand reached over and lightly touched mine.

I looked down at his large hand, only to find that it was caressing mine. I didn’t pull away and he continued to hold it.

“Contrary to what this fucking looks like, I’m not trying to get in your pants. You know how I feel about you. Fuck, I haven’t exactly been shy about that shit. But I know you don’t have anyone here in my Sanctuary. At least, you don’t think you do.”

I was still watching his hand on mine as I listened to him, so fixated on his words. I felt like I was in a dream world–in a trance. I had to still be sleeping in bed, and this was all a made-up fantasy crafted to help me cope from my humiliating outburst earlier. I wouldn’t have accepted this as my reality if it wasn’t for his calloused hand gently sliding over my fingers. It felt nice.

“Look at me, doll.”

I did as he requested and faced him. I felt the tears forming, but I willed myself not to cry. I had already made a fool of myself once today.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” His expression was so gentle, so concerned for the fragile thing that was me sitting before him. I couldn’t help it. I felt a few tears fall down onto my lap; I wanted to turn away so bad and hide my shame.

His hand squeezed mine. “Fuck honey, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” His hand left mine and grabbed a red folded, cloth napkin off the table and leaned across to wipe my tears.

That’s when I pulled away. This wasn’t me. I was his strong scavenger, not this broken shell of a human being crying over pasta. I didn’t want him caring after me like this. His words had stung earlier but that was something I came to expect from Negan. This wasn’t.

“I’m sorry.” I felt my voice crack a little bit. I took the napkin from his offering hand and dabbed at my eyes. _God, how embarrassing._

“Don’t be.” He twirled more spaghetti noodles and took another bite. I watched him chew before he continued. “I know what you lost before you came here. I’m not gonna make you do shit you don’t wanna do, but my offer still stands. I think you’d make one hell of a sexy wife.”

His gentleness was subsiding and Negan’s cocky attitude was taking its place. I couldn’t help but let out a sigh. He had said this wasn’t what it seemed, and perhaps he had intended for it to be an apology, but it was also absolutely an attempt to woo me.

“You wouldn’t have to scavenge anymore, wouldn’t have to fucking work for points or deal with assholes anymore. Just have to put up with this asshole.” He gestured to himself grinning widely.  “I’d treat you like a fucking queen.”

I didn’t know what to say. I knew how I felt and what I wanted, but the words were struggling to form. He had me trapped again.  I laid my fork down, suddenly not feeling so hungry anymore. My stomach had knots forming in it knowing this next part wasn’t going to come easy.

“Thank you for this. Really. This was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” I looked right into his eyes as I spoke, hoping I sounded as sincere as I meant to. “But I can’t marry you, Negan.”

“Why the fuck not?” He said it so simply, but I could hear the frustration in his voice. He was used to getting what he wanted. I would have to pick my next words carefully.

“I love it here. You’ve created this new world order, and for the first time since the dead came back to life I feel safe. The Sanctuary is my home.  I want to contribute to it and help; I want to be necessary.”

Negan didn’t say anything at first, and his eyes studied me carefully. We sat like that for a few moments and I swallowed hard.

“I’m never going to make you do something you don’t want, doll. You know that. But I haven’t been able to get you out of my fucking head since you came here. Do you know how hard it is to work with you when you fucking look like that?” His eyes trailed down my body and he bit his lip. I looked down at my black tank top and wondered if I should have maybe worn something else.

“And I know you feel something too,” he continued and before I knew it, his hand was on my leg. I stared down at it, unsure of how to respond. That knot in my stomach was building and then I realized it was lower. I was getting turned on and he knew it.

“The world has changed. I’ve made it mine, but it can be yours too. It’s whatever you want it to be.”

I shifted in my chair and he pulled his hand away. I half expected him to pounce, but I stopped him before he could make his next move.

“The world hasn’t changed, the people have.” My words caught him off guard, but he sat back in his chair silently listening, allowing me to continue. “I don’t just mean the dead coming back. We’ve had to become something else to survive. We had to adapt and some of it isn’t for the better.” I knew arguing with him wasn’t the smartest choice here but he had been sincere with me tonight. Returning my thoughts and feelings seemed like the honest thing to do at this point.

“Like you, for example. You have risen up to be a leader, but I feel like it costs you. I don’t think you were this way before the walkers. No one is the same as they were before. We’ve done horrible things to survive…” I trailed off, not wanting to insult him in any way. He was still leaning back as he took me in, seeming amused.

“Survival is beautiful.” He appeared to be choosing his words carefully too. “The only fucking way to achieve it is through violence and bloodshed. If you want to live, _to really fucking live in this new world_ , you’ll do whatever it takes. If we’re talking about making logical decisions here, than you’d already be my wife.”

_Of course he would tie it back to that._

“But marriage shouldn’t be a logical decision, even now. It should be something done out of passion when two people feel a deep connection and want to spend their lives together.” I don’t know why I was so set on convincing him. He had a handful of wives; I was convinced he couldn’t possibly love all of them. His intentions seemed purely out of lust. Did this man even allow himself to fall in love anymore?

I watched a cocky grin spread on Negan’s face. “See? I knew you were a bigger fan of love and all this Valentine’s Day bullshit than you let on, doll.”

He got me there. I had been too focused on trying to make my argument on what marriage should mean and I had forgotten my cynicism about all things romance. Perhaps it was being in his presence, or sitting in a candle lit room and the aroma of pasta and rose petals overwhelming me, but it all had taken its toll. I felt my cheeks turn pink and I smiled sheepishly.

“Jesus, you look so fucking beautiful when you do that.” He sat up and leaned towards me, eyes locked on mine. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. _Negan wanted me._ He was so powerful, so perfect, and in that moment I wondered why I didn’t just say yes. He was right–there was a connection that had been there since day one–I wanted him, too. Now more than ever. Seeing this romantic side, this human side of Negan, had awakened something in me. I felt like we were meeting for the first time, and being able to just talk and cry with him was so nice. It was tempting to say yes to his proposal.

I was about to open my mouth when Negan slid his chair back away from the table.

“Well if you’re finished eating, we should probably call it a night.” I nodded at him and slid my chair back as well, standing up from the table. We headed to the door and I almost reached it when I decided I should probably thank him again. His efforts hadn’t been in vain. I had seen a new side of him that I wanted to see more of, and I hoped this wouldn’t be our last shared meal together.

When I turned around he was finishing off the glass of wine at the table.

“Thank you for the lovely meal. I really appreciate it..” I tried my best to smile sweetly at him.

Negan set the glass down and walked towards me. I felt my heart skip a beat and froze in place.

Grinning from ear-to-ear, he approached me slowly, stopping right before he was in my personal space. “If you were really thankful, you’d kiss the cook.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. There was no way in hell he made the spaghetti. I wasn’t about to let him make me think he had.

“So which of your men do I get to smooch?” I playfully shot at him.

Negan’s brow furrowed and he actually seemed to be affected by my banter. “Contrary to popular belief, doll, I’m not just good at running the show and fucking. I also know my way around a kitchen.”

I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. The image of Negan slaving over a hot stove to make dinner was amusing, but also kind of a turn on. Knowing he didn’t just force someone to do it and had taken it upon himself to at the least cook the meal was kind of cute.

I hadn’t even finished laughing when, before I knew it, Negan was pulling me into his arms. He held me there for a few moments, hesitant. He didn’t want to make the next move, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to either. We both stood there, his arms wrapped low around me, pulling me into his tall frame.

I felt suspended in time in that moment with all the pros and cons spilled out before us. I couldn’t be his wife. But I wanted him. I didn’t want to give up being his scavenger, but I could no longer deny my attraction to him. He had done all of this–the dinner, opening himself up to me to show me how he felt. Did it really have to be so complicated?

_No, it doesn’t._

Before I lost my chance, I leaned up into him and my lips met his softly. I could feel the stubble from his beard lightly scratching my face and it tickled in a good way. Everything else seemed to disappear as I felt him kiss me back. His tongue slowly pressed in, deepening the kiss. I felt it slowly slide into my mouth and caress mine, and I let my instincts take over. I moved my arms around his neck, and felt as he pulled me even closer to him, his hands gripping my waist tightly.

We continued kissing passionately and I let out a loud gasp when his mouth moved away from mine and started trailing kisses down the side of my face to my neck. He kissed and sucked gently at first, but it became rougher– _needier_. One hand gripped his shoulder tightly and the other moved to his hair and slid it into his dark locks. The feeling made him slightly bite down onto my skin and I closed my eyes, moaning out, wanting so much more.

My little noises continued until he moved his mouth from my neck, and I knew there would be a mark later. His lips returned to mine and I welcomed him wantonly. I could taste the spices from the pasta and the sugary rich wine. It all added to the delicious flavor that was Negan. I felt like I was drowning from the scent, the taste and feel of him.

The knot in me tightened even more. When he pulled away I couldn’t help but let out a whine. I didn’t want this to be over. It couldn’t end. I looked into his eyes. He had me right where he wanted. Why was he stopping?!

Negan chuckled darkly, “You taste better than my spaghetti.”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” I purred, and moved my body as close as I could to his. I could feel how hard he was getting, and it turned me on more. I leaned in again, hoping to continue where we left off, but he moved his finger over my lips and stopped me. I frowned.

“If you want this, you’ll say yes,” he taunted, rubbing against me. I could feel his thick member press against my abdomen and it was too much. I let out a groan and looked up at him, silently pleading.

“But I have a feeling that you’d say yes to anything right now. And as badly as I want to lay you on that table and fuck your brains out, I’m not going to.” He let me go and took a step away. I shivered. He couldn’t possibly leave me like this. My brain felt like utter mush and I just started at him so confused.

“Negan–” I heard myself say, but I didn’t sound like _me_. My voice was shaky and low. I was begging.

He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh, relishing the sound of me whimpering his name. We both wanted this. I couldn’t fathom why he would stop.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, and for a moment I thought he was going to pull me back in. But it didn’t happen. Instead we looked at one another and he smiled down at me.

“Sleep on it.” His words were a command and he followed up with a taunt. “If you can…” With that, he grabbed Lucille, who had been leaning against the door during the meal, swung her over his shoulder and left.

I stood there without moving for a long time, trying to jumpstart my brain. I couldn’t even process everything that had just happened. The dinner, the kiss…. and how if he had asked me again after that intense embrace I would have agreed to be his wife. The man had left me in a giant pool of desire. I looked around the room debating what to do next. I wanted so badly to go to him. If I went up to his room, would he turn me away? How had he been able to walk away in the middle of our fervent juncture?

I don’t know how long I stood in the meeting room staring off into space while debating my options, but I finally decided to take his advice. Too much had happened and I needed to get my thoughts together. Before leaving the room, I turned and took one last glance at the pretty decorations and the two dinner plates next to one another. I felt a smile form on my face and I headed back to my room.


	2. Terms and Conditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a romantic Valentine’s Dinner, she has an answer to his proposal.

I woke up the next day feeling conflicted as ever.  I went through my morning routine and once again Negan invaded my thoughts. The beautiful dinner, the way his hand lingered on mine, and _the kiss_ …

That damn man knew exactly how to tear down my walls and make me his. I had melted in his arms like butter and if he had asked me again to marry him, I’d have said yes. Instead he had sent me to bed and left without another word. I was supposed to sleep on it. So I had.

Now I was glad he had cut things short. It was a new day and my head was much clearer than it had been. I couldn’t marry Negan.

Scavenging was something I looked forward to every day. I liked being helpful. And I couldn’t share him with those other women. I wanted him to myself.

He would have to accept that marriage was out of the question. I would have to accept it too and prepare for his reaction. Knowing Negan, it was bound to be _colorful_.

Negan and his men were up early and preparing to head to the settlement that Simon had mentioned at the meeting yesterday. He had said the people there were giving The Saviors trouble, which meant things were probably about to get pretty messy. Hell, it was Negan. Someone was probably going to meet Lucille.

I knew Negan and his men would be taking most of the vehicles, but I figured they would leave a few so his scavengers could still go out and do their jobs. After finishing up in the bathroom I got dressed and pulled on my favorite pair of jeans and a green racer back tank top. I laced up my boots and finally grabbed my belt and checked to make sure my knife was secure in its sheath.

On my way out the door, I grabbed my large black backpack that had survival supplies. I always made sure I had everything I needed just in case shit hit the fan and I wasn’t able to come back to The Sanctuary for a while. It hadn’t happened yet, but you never knew with the walkers.

Walking out of the compound I looked over to where the vehicles were kept and started making my way there. I could already see Negan’s men piling into the trucks, brandishing guns and other weapons. They were almost ready to leave, by the looks of it.

I saw Negan barking orders in the middle of it all. His dark locks were combed back perfectly, and he was wearing his infamous leather jacket and red scarf. Lucille was dug into the dirt as he leaned his weight onto the barbed wire baseball bat.

I approached him hesitantly, suddenly feeling a little shy from our passionate encounter the day prior. He didn’t see me right away and was scowling at one of his men and growling something about gasoline when he turned his head to look right at me. A grin spread across his face and he welcomed me over.

“Sleep well, doll?” he asked, teasing me. I felt my cheeks start to turn pink, but I pushed past the embarrassment and looked at him trying my best to seem nonchalant.

“Yeah, I slept fine. You?” I put my hands on my hips and smirked at him. I had felt his arousal last night. Walking away couldn’t have been easy.

“Would have fucking slept better if someone had joined me.” He took a step forward, bringing Lucille up over his shoulder and resting her there. He leaned towards me and licked his lips.

“You make a decision, doll?” his voice was like silk, but he wasn’t exactly quiet. I wanted him to be, but Negan really didn’t feel shame or care if anyone heard us. He probably wanted his men to overhear our conversation and know I was off limits.

Looking up into his eyes, I tried to calm my nerves before answering him.

“I can’t.” I sounded so sheepish. I felt like I owed him after the lovely dinner, but giving up my independence wasn’t worth a few good fuck sessions.

Negan didn’t seem surprised at my answer. If he was, he was really good at hiding it. He placed a hand on my upper arm and his gloved fingers lightly rubbed my bare arms.

“Of course you can.” His voice was softer and I stood before him like I was in a trance. The feeling of his hand on my arm was drawing me back in. How was it that all this man had to do was barely touch me and my willpower seemed to vanish.

I took a step back and away from his reach and he pulled his hand away, looking at me puzzled. There was the confusion.

“The dinner last night was so sweet. But I thought about it like you said and I decided I want to keep being necessary and help out here.” I couldn’t look at him as I spoke and when I finally glanced over at him his brow was furrowed and his eyes were narrowed. He was getting irritated at my rejection so I decided to try and be lighthearted about it.

“Besides, you don’t need me! You have so many beautiful women as your wives. It would probably be too crowded with me.” I don’t know why I felt the need to point out his other wives, but I was hoping mentioning them would make this rejection easier.

Negan didn’t say anything and continued staring right at me. We stood there in silence and I couldn’t help but gulp. He was still peering at me when he finally spoke.

“I should have taken you right there in the fucking meeting room.” His voice was low and rough. “Should have bent you over the table and fucked you hard and good.”

I sighed at the thought. Last night I would have given anything for that. But today was a new day and I just wanted to move forward.

“I’m really sorry. I just can’t give up scavenging.” I explained, hoping he would understand. The look on his face changed instantly from frustration to an all familiar arrogant one.

“Oh, you’re not scavenging.” He stated matter-o-factly. I looked around the lot to see there were more than enough empty vehicles available.

“It’s not like you’re taking all the cars.” I said forcing a smile, trying to be playful with him hoping it would make things go back to normal.

“I mean ever. You’re done scavenging.” His velvet voice was now loud and coarse. He was done trying to negotiate with me and was now commanding. His words had me taken aback.

“What?! Are you joking?!” My voice raised and my eyes widened.   _He couldn’t be serious…_

“No I’m not fucking joking. You’re not allowed to go look for supplies.” He was still holding my gaze and I scowled at him.

“WHY?!” I could hear the desperation in my voice. He couldn’t take this away from me. I wouldn’t let him.

“Because I said so. You can help organize the store.” He says simply, watching me carefully.

“Negan, please. I don’t want to work in the store. I want to bring back supplies. I’m good at it.” My eyes searched his frantically for a sign that he was teasing me but found none. He was serious.

“Greg will lead supply runs from now on.” He raised his voice even louder than before and a few heads turned and looked at us.

“But-”

“That’s final.” He was looking down at me so coldly it made me gulp. He turned from me and yelled for his men to get ready to leave. I stood there speechless as his men piled into the cars and trucks, and one of this guards opened the gate. I turned to the vehicle Negan was approaching and I briskly walked over to him.

“Let me go with you.” My voice wasn’t as confident as I had wanted it to be, but it was assertive enough to make Negan turn and look at me as he was about to enter the truck.

“Absolutely not.” He was less commanding now but still had that serious look on his face. I peered at him silently. I knew it was only a matter of seconds before he would get into the car and leave and I wanted to know why he was doing this.

“I’m being punished because I won’t marry you?” I asked, my brow furrowed and I crossed my arms across my chest, suddenly feeling very exposed standing in front of The Sanctuary arguing with its leader. That had to be it. He was going to make my life hell until I did as he wanted. That certainly seemed like something he would do.

Negan stared at me again and said nothing. He was looking at me like he was searching for something in my eyes. Finally, he opened the door to the truck and got into the passenger side. One of his men, the driver, was looking out the front window and pretending like he wasn’t paying attention but I knew he was. I would probably be the new girl everyone gossiped about.

Once inside, he turned back to me and placed a hand on the inside handle of the door.

“No more scavenging.” He repeated it as if he was talking to a child. I was about to argue my case again but Negan leaned out the truck and began shouting towards his guard.

“Max, this one here isn’t allowed to leave.” He pointed at me with his gloved finger and Max nodded, obediently. Negan turned back to me and was smirking. I felt an urge to slam the door in his face. I stood next to the car in disbelief looking down at him.

“Be good.” He said, and winked at me. With that, he pulled the door closed and his driver started up the truck and they drove off, leaving me standing there with my fists clenched.

I could not fucking believe him. How could he control me like this? He had been so sweet setting up that dinner for me just a day ago and I had seen such a soft side to this man. Now he was back to his usual ways of manipulating everything and that included me.

I was tempted to steal a car and go after him but I knew I wouldn’t make it past the front gate. Max was very loyal to Negan and I knew getting passed him with a vehicle would be next to impossible. But the longer I stood there thinking, the more irritated I became. He couldn’t keep me trapped like this. I would find a way out.

I started to consider fighting Max at the front gate, but decided I would try to sneak out from the back of The Sanctuary. It would be best if he didn’t see me at all. I didn’t want to leave forever. I just wanted to get out and do what I loved to do. Negan was being a huge asshole and that wasn’t anything new, but I still felt this strange sense of loyalty to him and this place. I wouldn’t leave for good, but I wasn’t about to follow his orders just because it was him giving them. After our Valentine’s Dinner, I couldn’t imagine he would kill me for this act of insubordination but I wasn’t 100% sure. And yet, my anger towards him in the moment didn’t allow me to consider how dangerous sneaking out was.

I headed around to the back of the compound and waited for his two patrol guards to disappear behind the building. When I was free to move, I quickly made my way over to the large fence and I started to climb it as quickly as possible. I was almost to the top when I heard a loud voice from across the yard shout at me.

“Hey! What are you doing?!” One of the guards had caught me and was now sprinting towards the fence. I started to contemplate finishing my mission and hopping over the rest of the fence, but that idea dissipated as I noted the rifle in his hands. I jumped down back on the Sanctuary side and put my hands up, realizing I was truly fucked. Either way this did not end well for me.

The guard approached and aimed the gun low at me.

“What the hell were you doing?” He demanded. He was a young guy– one of Negan’s newer men. I tried to act calm hoping this guy would be a little clueless to how thing worked around here.

“I’m under orders to go scavenging.” I said simply, looking right at him.

“So you’re climbing the fence?” He narrowed his eyes at me, clearly not buying my bullshit.

“It’s good practice.” I said slightly smiling, hoping he would just let me go. I had been so close.

“Come with me.” The young guard said, still pointing the gun at me. I lowered my raised hands and he led me towards the front of the compound. We walked all the way to the front gate to where Max was stationed and stopped. Max strolled over to us and he looked down at me, amusement all over his face. Now I was truly _fucked_.

“Wow, you got a death wish or something?” He chuckled and then turned towards the kid.

“Lock her up. Negan will want to deal with her.”

With that, I was led back inside the compound with a gun aimed at my back. He marched me towards the large cells and once there, he instructed me to take off my belt with my knife and my backpack, confiscating them both. I watched as he pulled the large door closed and heard the lock click as the room became engulfed in black. I moved back until I felt the wall behind me and slid down to the floor. I could feel the cold concrete and I closed my eyes. I had no idea how Negan would react to this. I took a deep breath and exhaled hard, a sense of dread filling me. I really wished I had finished jumping the fence and made a run for it. My need to get out had overcome my common sense and now I was in trouble. Negan didn’t like when his men disobeyed him and I had done exactly that.

I was imagining all the different ways this could pan out over the next hours when the big door was pulled open and light flooded my cell. I squinted at the hall and could see Simon standing at the threshold, looking down at me with an amused look. He shook his head at me.

“Get up and come with me.”

I got up immediately and stepped out into the hall. Simon didn’t even wait and started leading me down the hall.  I knew exactly where we were headed. My stomach jumped into my throat and I felt my body softly begin to shake. I was terrified. I had no idea how he would react. I was starting to regret everything.

We reached the door to Negan’s room and Simon ordered me to go inside. I swallowed hard and obeyed. My hand turned on the knob and I pushed the door open and stepped in.

His bedroom was huge; the windows had huge black curtains that ran all the way to the floor. His bed was to my immediate left, the grey pillows and comforter looked so enticing. I turned my attention away from them; I didn’t want to be caught gawking at the bed. Multiple lamps were turned on, their soft golden glow illuminated the room. The sun had set and I could see moonlight faintly shining against the window panes.

This wasn’t my first time in his room, but in the past I would come here to receive orders or to inform him on what supplies had been gathered. Now I felt a bit like a child being sent to the principal’s office. Except this principal had a mean streak and was known for bashing people’s skulls in.

Negan was seated on his leather love seat adjacent to his large bed. He was holding Lucille, studying her closely, not looking at me. There were two boxy arm chairs set across from him and I walked over to the closest one and sat down silently, my eyes locked to him. I was on the very edge of the chair, my hands in my lap. I watched him carefully, wondering how this would go down.

He was no longer wearing his leather jacket and only had on a white tee shirt and his grey jeans. I noted his gloves and scarf laying neatly on the table before us. He was leaned back on his tiny couch, as comfortable as ever. Of course he was. He didn’t have anything to be afraid of. I was the one who felt that jumping out the window would be a better death than whatever he had in store for me.

The more we sat in silence, the more irritated I became. His men had locked me up for hours for trying to do my job. Sure, he had given orders to not let me leave, but those orders were based on total bullshit. He wasn’t letting me scavenge because I wouldn’t marry him. I was being punished for wanting to contribute to his people. It wasn’t fair.

I felt my eyebrows twitch and I had to control the urge to glare at him. I figured showcasing my anger in this moment wasn’t a wise decision, but now I wasn’t as scared as I probably should have been. If he was going to kill me, he’d have already done it.

Finally he looked up from the barbed wire baseball bat and our eyes met. I desperately searched them, trying to determine what he was thinking. He let out a soft sigh.

“What the _fuck_ am I going to do with you?” He said it so simply, and I held his gaze.

“Let me scavenge.” I held my ground. I wasn’t going to give up on this. And he knew it.

Negan leaned back, still taking me in. He looked slightly amused about things and that was pissing me off more.

“I fucking gave you orders and you completely blew me the fuck off. You know exactly what happens to assholes who disobey me.”

“So if I’m not your wife, I’m your dog?!” My voice raised and I didn’t hold back. “Is that why I was thrown into a cell today? Like a dog being put into a kennel!”

Negan narrowed his eyes at me.

“If you’re gonna live in MY Sanctuary than you had better fucking believe you’re going to follow my fucking rules. You were put in a cell because you broke the rules.”

“Your rules are bullshit!” I snapped. “You only made up those rules this morning when I said I wouldn’t marry you!”

“Wife or not, you’re still mine.”

I shook my head. “I’m not yours.”

“Of course you are. Everything here is mine. I will never force you to marry me, but I’m sure as hell not going to let you go out there and risk your life any more. I have more disposable men for that job.”

I scoffed at that. If this was him trying to be romantic, it wasn’t working.

“I’m good at it. I know how to do my damn job and I have impressed you in the past. I can continue to impress you if you just let me go out!”

Negan studied me carefully as I tried to make my case.

“If you would just marry me, you wouldn’t have to work in the fucking store. You wouldn’t feel so locked up here.”

“I would though. Wearing those dresses, being with all those other women, having to share you…” I trailed off, thinking about it. It wasn’t what I wanted. I couldn’t share him. And speaking about sharing…

“You’re a hypocrite, you know? You make all your wives be loyal to you but you can take as many as you want. And they can’t work for points. How is that fair?” I looked away from him and continued to shake my head.

“My wives are my business. They don’t work for points because they don’t contribute to The Sanctuary. They’re mine and only mine.”

“I don’t want to be just yours.” I turned back to look him right in the eyes as I spoke much calmer than before. “Is that all I am to you? A doll to be added to your little collection? Someone you can use and toss aside until you wanna play with me again?”

Negan just stared at me, not responding. I held his gaze, willing myself not to look away. I felt like if I did, I would lose this.

After a long drawn out silence, I found my voice again.

“I’m not made of porcelain. Just because you woo me with pasta and sweet talk, doesn’t mean I can’t do my job, Negan.”

And it was my own words that sparked an epiphone. I finally understood him. He wasn’t punishing me for saying no to his proposal. He had told me and showed me during our dinner that he cared about me. We both had opened up to one another. That delicate moment had changed things with us. I wasn’t too weak to scavenge, not in my own sense, but I had become his weakness. His wives were a weakness. It was why they didn’t have jobs and were kept inside. Negan didn’t want to lose them to anything. I may not have agreed to marry him, but he was already trying to protect me like he protected his wives.

“I don’t think you’re made of porcelain.” His voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Then let me scavenge.” I repeated the words again, confidently.

Negan sat up straight and set Lucille next to him on the loveseat, and I could see he was tense.

“What if you were bitten by a fucking walker?” He hissed. “Or if one of my men decides he wants to have you? They all fucking look at your like you’re a piece of meat.”

This caught me off guard. I had never seen his men looking at me. His sudden paranoia of me being with another man was so bizarre and I wasn’t sure how to respond to him.

“Marry me, and you’ll be safe. From everything.”

I was still trying to rack my head on his apparent jealousy and possessiveness as I considered my next words carefully.

“You can’t hide me away, Negan.”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want!” His voice raised and looked at me with fire in his eyes. His outward anger was pulling mine out as well and I stood up in front of him.

“I’m not your prisoner!” I shouted at him. “I survived this shit without you for a really long time. You can tell your guards to keep me locked up all day but I won’t stay here forever.”

Negan stood up too and towered over me. The sudden change of him looming over me had me wanting so desperately to take a step back, but I held my ground.

“You won’t get locked up if you just follow the fucking rules.” He spat the words in my face and we both seethed.

We stood there glaring at one another for what felt like an eternity. I didn’t dare blink. It felt like time was frozen and I began to think I was pushing him too far. I was already testing his limits and things could turn ugly fast if I didn’t fall back.

I gave in and looked away, feeling very defeated in the moment. This wasn’t about getting through to him anymore. I could see it in his eyes that all he wanted right then and there was to win this argument. I decided to shift gears, knowing it was the only way I had a chance to get through to him.

“It’s not that I don’t want you. I do. Even now. But if you want me, if you really care about me, you’ll let me keep scavenging. Because I can handle myself out there..” I exhaled, hoping to shake off my nerves. “It makes me happy to do it. I want to be necessary. Please let me be necessary.” My voice sounded so quiet after all the shouting.

I looked back up to him and he was no longer looking at me with a scowl. Instead, that look of total concern had etched back into his features and I studied it, desperate to memorize this. It was so rare to see him so caring. Through all of this I couldn’t deny that he treasured me. But it was that reason alone that was causing our conflict.

“Stop looking at me like I’m this fragile creature you have to save.”

His expression remained as he stared at me with his sad eyes. I looked away, feeling an urge to leave. I knew I wasn’t going to win this. I didn’t want to anymore. I felt saying no to him had ruined whatever we had started building towards.

I turned to leave when I felt his hand softly grab my back shoulder.

“Wait.”

I froze and closed my eyes, ready for him to yell at me.

“Okay.” The word was so simple and I turned back to face him, confused as ever.

“You can scavenge.” His expression was impossible to read and he said it so simply. I couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Thank you.” I sounded as sincere as I felt.

He just stared at me. I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a bit and kill the tension.

“And I’ll be good. No more rule breaking. Promise.” His expression didn’t change as I thought it would. He was still studying me so quietly and then I watched his eyes drift down, taking in my body. I felt my heart skip a beat as I realized he was now looking at me the same way he had after our dinner, with lust filled eyes.

“I should probably-” I started to say but he cut me off.

“I don’t want you as a doll for my collection.” He moved to close the space between us so fast I had no time to react. I just stood there as he slowly moved his hands down my arms. “I want to make you a fucking queen.” I couldn’t breathe in that instant. He was so close and I instinctively leaned into him, feeling my body softly press up against his. I looked up into his eyes.

“I want you.” He urged. Time froze. I knew what he was doing. I felt transported back to that Valentine’s dinner when I would have said yes to anything. He was like a drug and I was hooked. But before I delved in, I pressed my hand against his chest stopping him to interject.

“One condition.” I was proud of how in control of myself I sounded. In actuality, I wanted to dive in head first without a care but we needed to clarify something. “I’m not your wife.”

“I don’t do mistresses.” He cautioned. I smirked at him.

“You’ll have to if you want me.” I contended.

He exhaled and pulled me closer to him. My face was still tilted up towards his as he closed the space between us and he leaned his mouth next to my ear.

“Damn you, woman.” He murmured. I shivered in his arms and he felt it. Before he could move back, I moved my face and felt his soft beard scratch against my cheek. The prickly feeling ignited the fire that was building deep inside and if time had been frozen before, the next seconds happened like lightning.

Negan cupped my face and turned his to meet my lips. Where our first kiss had been slow and we had simply explored one another, this kiss was demanding and ravenous. His kiss was deep, but still somehow so soft. It was as if we both had been craving one another our whole lives and it had all finally been building up to this. His hands moved to the back of my head and they slipped into my hair and he pulled me impossibly closer to him. As I continued to taste him, I knew I would need to come up for air soon but I desperately didn’t want to let go.

I couldn’t help but whimper when he broke his lips from mine and I felt him put his hands on my shoulders, guiding me backwards towards his bed. I felt the mattress underneath me and before I knew it, he was laying me backwards. I kicked my boots off and scooted back onto the bed, sitting up just in time to see him pulling his white tee shirt over his head. He tossed it onto the floor and I studied his bare chest. The light shone off his skin and I bit my lip as I gawked at him. He noticed.

“Like what you see, doll?” He had a cocky grin plastered to his face and an eyebrow raised in amusement at me. I nodded, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“You should return the favor.” He said, his eyes trailing down to my clothes.

He didn’t need to tell me twice. I pulled the racer back tank top over my head and tossed it to the side. He watched me carefully as I laid back so I could unzip my jeans. Before I could shimmy out of them, I felt two large hands at my waist grip the belt loops and begin to pull them off my legs, slowly. I flinched when I felt his warm skin brush against my cool thigh and once I was free of my pants, he took a step back and looked at me.

I leaned up on my elbows and grinned.

“Like what you see?” I mimicked. He licked his lips still staring at my half naked body laying across his bed.

“I think I see my next wife,” he drawled as he began to crawl across me until his body was completely over mine.

“Shut up.” I said playfully, laying back and running my hands up his chest, feeling his warm skin against my palms. He leaned down and kissed me hard. I felt his hands move to my breasts and he fondled them through my bra, needily massaging them through the fabric. I sat up against him and unclasped the wires. It hadn’t even hit the floor and I felt his warm mouth against one of my erect nipples. I shuddered at the feeling as he began to suck softly. My hips began to rock underneath him and my eyes rolled back as I completely relaxed onto the mattress. The pleasure was so intense I felt I would burst beneath him. I tangled my hands into the back of his hair, clutching desperately onto him as he took the other nipple into his mouth.

My back arched up as he worked his tongue against my tender skin and I moaned loud. The sound almost seemed to egg him on, and as he swirled and sucked a bit harder. I could feel my desire pooling between my legs and I pressed against his bottom half, feeling he was already completely hard. My hand slid down his front until it reached his zipper and I started pulling it down.

His mouth moved from my breasts and I heard him chuckle. I braced for the smart ass comment but it never came. Instead, he sat up and finished unzipping his jeans, pulling them down along with his boxers. Then he stood before me, naked in the dim lit room and I felt my heart flutter.

He looked so perfect standing in front of me, like a sculpted statue of a god.  Reality almost felt like it was falling apart in the moment, like gravity was being sucked out of the room and I was floating away. I needed to be pulled back down, but like an addict searching for that first high, I didn’t want to. I needed to chase it.

“Negan-” It was all I could manage. When I said his name he smiled softly down at me, like he understood exactly how I felt; like he knew I was so far gone. We both were and none of it mattered. Everything faded away. The apocalypse. The danger. His wives. The Sanctuary. All of it. Only thing in this moment was me and him.

He grabbed my legs and pulled me towards him standing at the end of the bed and I gasped as my body slid down. He had a devious look plastered to his face as he sunk down and his mouth moved to my midriff. He left fast kisses as he moved down until he reached my panties and I felt his teeth lightly graze my skin. Now it was my turn to laugh. I looked down to see his eyes studying me as he began to pull the thin fabric away from my legs with his teeth. As he maneuvered them down my legs I shivered in excitement as I was now exposed to him.

He threw my panties to the floor and then moved back to the bed, crawling on top of me ever so slowly. Once he was positioned over my body, I felt his erection press against my thigh. He looked down at me and I closed my eyes bracing for that first real contact but it didn’t come. I opened my eyes to look up at him.

“Are you sure?” His voice sounded strained, but he didn’t move. Of course Negan would ask for consent. It was something he took very seriously but I hadn’t expected this to come now. But it made sense. We hadn’t completely crossed the threshold yet and there was still a way out for me, if I wanted it.

But I didn’t want it. I wanted him. There was no more denying it.

I moved my hands to his shoulders and gripped them tightly.

“Yes.” My own voice sounded raspy and needy.

At that, I felt him begin to enter me. He moved so slowly as I felt myself first tense up and then relax as he pressed in further. I gazed up to see his eyes were now closed and he seemed so hyper fixated on the feeling that I closed my eyes and allowed myself to get lost it in too. My hips started moving in sync with him as he moved further in, and then pulled out half ways and then pressed in again. The rhythm was slow and hard and I moaned out, gripping his shoulders tight. My fingers pressed into his skin and I clutched onto him like my life depended on it.

We moved together in unison and I moaned loud, looking up at him. He opened his eyes and we locked gazes. The friction continued to build and the coil that had been wound so tightly deep inside me now seemed impossibly, satisfyingly tighter.

It was the high I had been searching for. The feeling of our bodies locked together as he pushed further inside me and groaned softly. I basked in the pleasure that had overtaken his face. He was so insanely beautiful. And he was mine.

As he thrust in and out of me, his lips met mine in a deep kiss. I felt my breasts push against his chest as the rhythm quickened and his mouth moved down my neck where he began to suck. I felt his teeth lightly press against the tender skin and I whimpered in response.

He shifted inside and began pressing against my g-spot and I cried out, moving my hands from his back above myself and clutching the sheets behind me. I felt his mouth curl into a smile at the realization he was hitting all the right places. He moved his mouth away from my neck and one hand moved to my wrists, pinning them down against the bed.

My head leaned back as I let myself dissolve into pleasure. It didn’t take long for my walls to clench tightly against him as that coil finally released and an orgasm racked my body. I felt him pulsing within and became lost in my own ecstasy. I was still riding the high when he began to slow down and then thrust a few more times before coming inside.

We both breathed heavily, trying to collect ourselves. He held himself up above me, his hand still pinning my wrists. He set his forehead against mine and I could feel his pulse racing. He gazed deeply into my eyes and then smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“You are so fucking beautiful.” He whispered the words and I felt my face heat up. He chuckled at my reaction and let go of my wrists, moving off of me.

I sat up and suddenly felt so exposed. I didn’t regret it, but I felt like this would change everything. I wasn’t just his scavenger girl anymore. I was something else.

He walked around to the other side of the bed still completely naked and pulled back the covers, sliding into his bed with a satisfied sigh. I began to collect my clothes from the floor.

“What are you doing?” He asked, watching me with an amused look.

“Getting dressed.” I answered, bending down to grab my tank top.

“Wait.” His voice made me freeze and I stopped trying to hook the wires on my bra.  It was the same word he had said when I had tried to leave earlier. The same word that had led to… this.

“Stay with me, doll.” He said with his wolf like grin and he patted the bed next to him, inviting me over. I rose an eyebrow at him. Sex was one thing. But cuddling? I didn’t think it was his style.

I stopped putting my bra on and set my clothes in a pile on the floor. He was still smiling as I crawled into bed next to him. I moved close, and set my head against his bare chest. I could hear his heartbeat so firm and steady and I sighed.

I felt him kiss my head and then settle in against his pillows. It wasn’t long until his breathing became rhythmic and he dozed off. I laid there with my body pressed against his, listening to his heart. Then very carefully, I lifted my head to look up at his face.

This man, the one so many people feared and loathed, looked so incredibly beautiful. I couldn’t help but smile looking at him sleeping there so peacefully. Being with him felt right.

Then I remembered he wasn’t mine. Tomorrow I would wake up and he would go back to being the big scary leader with a handful of wives. I would get to keep scavenging, but I couldn’t have him. I could never have him. Not completely.

I sighed setting my head against him again and closed my eyes. Maybe I couldn’t be his wife and maybe he wasn’t mine, but right there in the moment we were together. Not quite belonging to one another, but giving what we could.

Drifting off to sleep, I decided I would take whatever I could get.


End file.
